We Stand Alone Together.

lately I have been enjoying the HBO show Band of Brothers. A show that is about the easy company during World War II. Showing the things that they saw, the experiences they were forced into experiencing. Parachuting behind enemy lines.

a speech was taken from a Shakespeare play that later was used in the novel, and in the show by one of the actual veterans from easy company. It goes like this;

And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

I'm not sure why WWII shows and specials interest me so much. Maybe it has to do with the amount of guts and glory it took to fight like these veterans did for that time. Maybe it is knowing that this really happened, and these men lost their lives to fight for a greater good.

After watching this show, and becoming more and more interested in the stories and facts that surround this awesome force I start to think about how I will never be able to experience something as awesome and terrifying as the men and woman of the first world wars. I will never know if me or any of the people I know have what it takes to pull the trigger.

Now, a lot of people would say that it's a good thing that we never had to witness, or go through the things that they were forced to go through during these times. If I were to say something like this to a veteran, I'm sure that I would get nasty looks, or at least a million stories about how it changed them for life, and how they will never be the same again. the more and more I think about it, the more and more intrigued I become about it.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will go through my whole life without seeing things that were seen in war. If I go through my whole life without seeing things like this, I feel like I am missing out on a part of life. A part of life that does not get seen anymore. the wars that are fought now don't have the same impact on the world. It seems like we are fighting for different reasons then we were at times like the revolutions that shaped our world into the world that it now is.

What if we would have failed? would we still be fighting the fascists that were the real intolerant forces that threatened the world? or would we all be speaking German right now?

I guess in the end, it just makes me depressed knowing how many experiences I will go my whole life without knowing. so many good experiences, and so many bad experiences. I hope and pray that I will never have to know what it feels like to take another human life. It is bad enough harming an animal, but then again most animals don't fight back.

I suppose that I should be happy that I don't have to worry about tragic experiences such as war, or death, or anything else that will affect my life. I have so much to be thankful for, but I cant help but feel like I will never get the full experience of life. I still wont be able to know just how much I am missing out on. It's hard enough just to live our everyday lives, so I guess I should be thankful that I have a roof over my head. or that my legs didn't get blown off by a stray grenade.

I suppose I am just another spoiled white kid, living life worry free.

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.

5 years seems like it has past by far too fast. to a lot of people it might not seem like that long, but it feels like its been 10 years. maybe even more. it seems like I have gone through so many changes and different lifestyles in the past 5 years. I almost feel hypocritical when I look back on how I used to be. It was such a different time in my life, I almost feel like I have become someone completely different.

going through old livejournal entries made me realize how far I have come in the past 5 years. they made me realize how much I have been through. I mean, its not like I have experienced life changing events in a negative way. although there have been some cases of things that have, and will always impact me for the rest of my life. but more things that every teenager goes through. discovering who real friends are. trying to figure out the difference between "love" and "lust". so many experinces that until now, I didnt understand were so crucial.

17 feels like forever ago. a different time, a different place. filled with different people, different attitudes. different choices, different lifestyles. so much has changed, and I think that's why it doesn't feel like its only been 5 years.

so many people have come and gone in my life so far. I can remember so many people that made such an impact on my life as an adolescent. so many people that I don't hear from or talk to anymore. I find myself wondering where and what they are doing with their lives at this very moment. I hope for the best, hope that I may have put some type of impact on their lives just like they have put one on mine.

every now and again I find myself thinking about how much I can actually remember. and how much I would love to just forget about. I hate having such good long term memory sometimes. I remember dates, events, people, teachers, towns, cities. when I pass by people I havent seen in years I often wonder if they even remember me for who I was. then I start to think about if they knew me for who I am now, what would they think?

being so young was such a good time. no cares, no worries. everything that went on was just stupid teenage bullshit. it seems that I have stepped out of those shoes, and now I have real problems, and real worries. things that could possibly affect me for the rest of my life. not stupid trivial bullshit that teenagers are forced to worry about. things that are real. things that are terrifying.

reading through these old entries makes me so glad that I kept this online journal through all my times of growing. I kept them because I knew that one day I would be at this point, where everything felt so real. its nice to be able to go through this journal of adolescence and be able to realize that everything that happened, happened for a reason. all the experiences, friendships, trials, good times, and bad times all happened to teach me something about myself. about life.

so where does that leave me now? should I be scared of what is to come? should I just patiently wait and tell myself that things are going to work out for the best?

see, my problem is that I know how unforgiving life can be. I know that things can be stripped and taken at any moment. I am just like anyone else. there is nothing special that separates me from the rest of the herd. what about all the people that have gone through so much grief and tragedy? were they thinking the same thing as I am right now? or were they just going about their lives thinking that it wont happen to them?

in these times, its hard to live without a sense of false hope. we are constantly being told that we are safe, and we have nothing to worry about. when in reality, there are people whose only purpose in life is to create acts of terror and hysteria. some people just like to set the world on fire. unfortunately, there are people like me who just want to live their lives, and end up getting caught in the crossfire.

I am only a man. a mortal trying the best that I can. I will keep my head up, and hope for the best. its not good to think thoughts like these. so I will tuck them away in the back of my mind. and maybe someday I will be able to look back on this blog when I'm 30 or something. and hopefully I will be able to say that this was just another one of those times. a time where I was naive about the world, and knew little or nothing about real life. after all, I still have so many more experiences coming my way.

please go easy on me life, I am doing the best that I can.