a tourist among my family and friends.

The days have been dark and cloudy. the sun stays hidden behind mostly grey skies. the air is cool and refreshing. these days always bring me back to being a kid. so excited about every day. there were little or no cares. christmas was always a time to look forward to. I think these days are the thing that make me most depressed about being forced into growing up so early.

So much is no expected of me. from my peers, from my parents, everyone around me is pushing me into being something I am just not ready to be yet. Christmas is just another reminder about how quickly things have changed. there is just so much to have to remember, and so much I am being held back from doing.

Work prevents me from taking as much vacation as I want. But I suppose that is my fault mostly. I could live at my parents house for free. But I feel like at 22 I am expected to be already on my own. Like I should be learning life lessons or some shit. All I really feel is a harsh reality about life. the stresses of renting a house, needing to be on time with all your payments, having to deal with people that are sometimes not easy to deal with. All these things place me in a weird mood about how life is going to be for hopefully 60+ more years.

I am comfortable at the home I live in right now, but I grow worrysome about this great living situation ending fairly soon. Be it because of my poor grades, or the crazy landlords pulling some shit on us. Then there is the ever stressful job. Filled with so much work, and little time to do much of anything. I miss seeing my parents. I miss seeing my sister. I will soon be an uncle, and I am afraid of not being in my niece or nephews life enough.

The end of 2009 will mark my 22nd year in existence. This will be my 22nd Christmas. 2010 marks the beginning of my 23rd year. another year full of let downs and mishaps. But maybe, there is something bright in the horizon. Because one day, I know that things will come together.

Or at least thats what I keep telling myself.....

this culture's a vulture.

I am attempting to accomplish this homework assignment where I have to discuss about the difference between what two philosophers thought is real, and what is ultimately real. At the same time I am listening to this album, one that has so many memories placed with it. The album is Vheissu by Thrice. Since the first time I listened to this album, I have listened to it more times than I can count. I have built up so many memories surrounded by this album in the last year or so.

As I listen to it, I get these vivid and distinct memories of the beginning of 2009 and the end of 2008. The place I was living, the experiences I was experiencing, the person whom I was living with, the friends I had. Skating while the sun was setting early across the cold February sky. Drinking 40s on the picnic table outside our house while we had this album blaring inside. Finding someone new, who has helped me escape from the empty hole that once filled my chest. The sorrow is gone, and all I am left with is memories.

Now as I listen to it from another point in my life, having these flashbacks, I start to miss times like those. Back when I was on unemployment, and had all the free time to dedicate to skating, or school, or someone special. Now it seems like I don’t even have the time to appreciate what I have in front of me. I often take advantage of the things that are placed in front of me. Is this what it is like for everyone? Or am I just being a spoiled brat about this?

When I think about things like what is ultimately real, I think about things like these memories that I have. And how it is that I can put music on, and be transformed back 8 or 9 months ago to a place so different. A time that seemed so much less complicated. 8 or 9 months later I have got a different aspect on what is real. I look around me at all the material out there. Everything is changing at any point in the day. We are aging, and becoming closer and closer to the point in which we must let go and say “goodbye.”

Shit.

I can’t believe another year is passing me by. Another time that I am going to look back on. At the end of 2008 I was looking back on the end of 2007 and saying the same exact thing. Placing myself in my shoes the year prior. Looking at what I was doing, who I was doing it with. What relationships were ending, while others were forming. It feels even stranger when I begin to look back on 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 4 years ago. What the fuck happened? Does getting older just mean that more and more I will be looking back when I should be looking forward?

I don’t look back and miss these times per se. I simply reflect on these times are a different moment in my life. Another time that so much was going on. Bonds have been formed and broken, but with those that were lost new ones were formed. My heart has been placed into the hands of another. The trust that has been formed is one that is ever lasting. I look back on past relationships and see them as mere casualties of life. Wasted times. It makes letting go, moving on, forgetting and forgiving much easier. These people have to unfortunately be erased forever. If I let them back in, then the memories of then and there will be back once again.

I now realize that there is no point on holding on to memories from the past. Pictures from times prior to what I have now. The bonds that were formed are broken, and shouldn’t ever be repaired. I know that they are all out there somewhere, living their lives each day just as I am. Possibly even thinking the same things that I am thinking.

With every year that passes, more and more memories are forgotten. Wiped out of my brain, thrown into the trashcan never to be found again. I wish it could be like this computer that I am using right now. I want to be able to select what I want, and drag it into the trashcan so I can forget about it forever. There is no point of holding on to fading memories. Moving on means that we have to forget all together, because I am committed to whom I have now. I can’t start to feel sorry, or any sort of emotion for anyone in my past. I don’t want to hear about them, think about them, feel them. They are choosing to make the decisions that they are now making. There is nothing I can do about that, so there is no point in feeling sorrow, or even pity for them.

I have moved on to something better.

It feels better knowing that the future gives me a blank slate. The past has already happened, the decisions have already been made. Regrets get you nowhere in life, so I try to stay away from thinking about them. I want to feel like everything I could call a “regret” was a learning experience.

As the album ends, my mind is clear. My heart is still heavy, but not with anger or rage. The feeling I have for this other is so strong, it almost knocks me off my feet. The thought of the future being unclear is what gets me up every morning. Because with every unclear thought, there is something that I know. Something that is certain. I know where I want to lay my head every night, who I want to lay it next to.

I can’t help what my gut tells me. My heart knows what it wants, it just might take a while for the answer to arrive.

I think about what my mom told me growing up, something that makes so much more sense now being older. “Patience is a virtue”.

this is the last night in my body.

I smiled when I looked down and saw what I saw in that drawer. It is just another sign that things are progressing into a positive direction. My home has become our home in a sense. I would rather that it is only OUR home, but I know that is a much bigger step. one that will take plenty of time to reveal itself. There is a time and a place, and that time is just not now. that place is just not here. Sometimes I wish I could force things into happening, and other times I want things to slow themselves before the answer becomes clear.

we are both so young, it is just hard to say without giving it plenty more time. The situation is just so right, the feelings are just all there, our pasts are just so similar. It seems corny to say, but it feels just like a story out of a book. Maybe thats why I waited so long to make the moves. I was scared that this tale wouldn't end up the way that I want it to. That I would once again have to search for someone.

I feel like that search is over, and thats real.

Right now, everything is perfect. she makes me feel like I just met her. she makes me feel like there is no other woman that could possibly compare to her. despite even the dumbest of times on my part, I couldn't hold a grudge with her. when her eyes meet mine, my heart hits the floor every time. Her smooth skin is more soothing then even the strongest of drugs. Her soft lips meeting mine is enough to silence everything else around us.

So I think that for right now, I will keep certain thoughts in the back of my mind. Thoughts that could one day be a reality. all these thoughts will show themselves in time, and there is no point in rushing them. My heart is anchored to her, and it has no plans of pulling itself in. I am in this because I love this girl. I am in this because I see promise in our relationship. Without her, I am weak. but with her, not even the harshest of opponents stand in our way.

so much music, so little time

I decided to make a list of my top 10 favorite albums for the past 5 or so years. I have had such a hard time thinking about this, because there is so much good music. so many different songs for different moods and emotions. basically I broke it down into albums that from the first time I heard them, knew I would always love them. and albums that I could constantly listen to over and over again first song to last song without skipping any track. so here they are;

#1 is a two way tie between The Receiving End of Sirens: Between the Heart and the Synapse and, Thursday: War all the Time

#2 Killing The Dream: Fractures

#3 Brand New: The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me

#4 Blacklisted: The Beat Goes on

#5 Thrice: The Alchemy Index

#6 Daggermouth: Turf Wars

#7 Converge: Jane Doe

#8 Circa Survive: Juturna

#9 Bayside: the walking wounded

and finally, #10 Alexisonfire: Crisis

This was by no means an easy list to come by. It was hard narrowing down which bands, and what albums. I would really like to put them into a better order then that, because there are so much that were left out. maybe I will do an extensive list someday. I have over 200 artists to take into consideration here. maybe some day when I am extremely bored.

the midpoint between two vices.

I feel as though I am going through something. I don't know what it is, but I know that it keeps me up every night. thoughts flooding my mind. a never ending supply of "what if's?" with a generous side of worry and stress. since when has this been the way my thoughts have been going? I have everything that I could want, and yet I feel so empty.

I hate that my life has become so routine and trivial. It doesn't feel like I am enjoying anything that I participate in. I wanted to be working, and going to school. To tell you the truth, I have never been more ready to just give up. throw it all away. I wish that I didn't lack so many of the qualities required to just pick up and go. start again fresh, with a new outlook and understanding.

But with all of these haunting thoughts clustering in my mind at the moment, there is one thing that resembles a light at the end of a dark hallway. something that gives me hope, and ambition. someone that helps me to realize the beauty in life. the way that I feel when I think about her. the way that she makes me feel when I look into her eyes, and she looks back into mine. she could melt me away to nothing more then a puddle by resting her head on my shoulder.

It is thoughts like those, that can get me through times like these.

feelings so strong, that not even the deepest and darkest of pain and discomfort can stand a chance. not even the strongest of insecurities and self doubt will hold up. I have never felt this way about another human being, and really, I don't want to feel this way about anyone else.

I want so many things to become a reality, but time just seems to be taking it slow.

is there an end in sight?

is there a resolution to this feeling?

questions that only time will be able to reveal their answers. maybe we were meant to be. maybe there is one person custom molded for each and every one of us. someone who can melt away all our darkest secrets, and reach into who we really should be. to the man that I know I should be.

I suppose it's still to early to really know, but the thought is one that is in the back of my mind. such a simple question, positive and warm......

maybe that search is over?

the calm before the storm....

Driving home with my window down at night I get a familiar smell. the smell of another season on the horizon. Fall has always been my favorite season. the smell of it, the sights, the trees shedding their leaves. It is an exciting time to be alive. I know that there is a lot to look forward to, and a lot to be afraid of.

I feel like I have led a care free life so far. Which leads me to think when will real tragedy strike me? what will it come as? will it be the death of a family member? will it be the death of a close friend? will it be something horrible that happens to me?

It's like a fault line, the pressure building up for so many years. then one day, it snaps, releasing a furious path of destruction and death. Like a storm on the horizon that you know can only spell out certain doom.

It seems all to familiar to feel this way. when we were younger, life seemed so planned out and simple. I was going to someday be a father, a husband, a provider. Now it seems that even that is not certain. there is so much chaos in this life, there is just not a set path to say "yeah that is not going to happen to me".

I feel like there are so many people that I have to please. There are so many things that I have to live up to. I have to act my age, be a good man, be a role model, live life to it's fullest, please everyone around me, be a good friend, a lover, someone of trust, a good employee, and a human being. there just is not enough room for me to be me.

It's strange seeing people just out of high school, or people still in high school. there is so much that is still to be experienced for them, yet they act like it is all so easy. like its just planned out what they will do, and where they will go. I never saw myself at this point. 4 years at a community college just was not what I planned on.

But I suppose that this is just my life path. every choice that I have made was planned out as my path in life. there is nothing I could do to detour myself from the decisions and things that I have chosen so far in my life. If I would have chosen the other route, I would be in a different place at the moment. not here, not with the people I am with. Maybe I would have a different job, maybe I would have traveled more.

I have entered that time where I have finally realized that I am not getting any younger. I am only 22, but it feels like my youth has been wasted. I don't want it to feel this way. I want to look back on times like these when I'm 30 and 40 and 50 and be able to say that I was just a stupid kid. Making decisions not because it was the logical thing to do, or because it was the right thing to do, but because it was a good life experience.

Now I in no way plan on these choices to be stupid careless things. I have come to the realization that I will never be that person. I have my far share of dumb decisions, but for the most part, I am a careful person. I dont steal, I dont cheat, I try not to lie, I'm just trying to score as many life points as I can. So when that day comes around where I am going to be judged, I can have as clean as a slate as possible.

I have fought things like self conciousness and insecurity my whole life. the things that were said to me, reflect the way that I live my life now I suppose. I dont want it to be like that. I want to be who I am, because this is who I am. I dont want to pass judgement along, then have someone tell me that it was because I was teased or tormented in my days of being a child.

I am living in now, not then. and there is nothing that is going to be able to change that. nothing that I can do to erase the things that I have done or said. nothing to take back the lives I have hurt or impacted. the people I have interacted with. I cant hold myself accountable for the stupid decisions that I made when I was just a dumb kid.

I feel like I have learned a lot the past few years. I feel like I have more to offer because of that. I hope to someday pass down morals and life lessons to my children, to my grand children. I guess its all just things that are important to think about.

I am in now, not then, not when. I have to continue to live my life each day at a time.

through the rough days, to the calm seas. there is nothing I can do to speed it up, or slow it down.

I'll take it one day at a time....

We Stand Alone Together.

lately I have been enjoying the HBO show Band of Brothers. A show that is about the easy company during World War II. Showing the things that they saw, the experiences they were forced into experiencing. Parachuting behind enemy lines.

a speech was taken from a Shakespeare play that later was used in the novel, and in the show by one of the actual veterans from easy company. It goes like this;

And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

I'm not sure why WWII shows and specials interest me so much. Maybe it has to do with the amount of guts and glory it took to fight like these veterans did for that time. Maybe it is knowing that this really happened, and these men lost their lives to fight for a greater good.

After watching this show, and becoming more and more interested in the stories and facts that surround this awesome force I start to think about how I will never be able to experience something as awesome and terrifying as the men and woman of the first world wars. I will never know if me or any of the people I know have what it takes to pull the trigger.

Now, a lot of people would say that it's a good thing that we never had to witness, or go through the things that they were forced to go through during these times. If I were to say something like this to a veteran, I'm sure that I would get nasty looks, or at least a million stories about how it changed them for life, and how they will never be the same again. the more and more I think about it, the more and more intrigued I become about it.

I have come to terms with the fact that I will go through my whole life without seeing things that were seen in war. If I go through my whole life without seeing things like this, I feel like I am missing out on a part of life. A part of life that does not get seen anymore. the wars that are fought now don't have the same impact on the world. It seems like we are fighting for different reasons then we were at times like the revolutions that shaped our world into the world that it now is.

What if we would have failed? would we still be fighting the fascists that were the real intolerant forces that threatened the world? or would we all be speaking German right now?

I guess in the end, it just makes me depressed knowing how many experiences I will go my whole life without knowing. so many good experiences, and so many bad experiences. I hope and pray that I will never have to know what it feels like to take another human life. It is bad enough harming an animal, but then again most animals don't fight back.

I suppose that I should be happy that I don't have to worry about tragic experiences such as war, or death, or anything else that will affect my life. I have so much to be thankful for, but I cant help but feel like I will never get the full experience of life. I still wont be able to know just how much I am missing out on. It's hard enough just to live our everyday lives, so I guess I should be thankful that I have a roof over my head. or that my legs didn't get blown off by a stray grenade.

I suppose I am just another spoiled white kid, living life worry free.

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.

5 years seems like it has past by far too fast. to a lot of people it might not seem like that long, but it feels like its been 10 years. maybe even more. it seems like I have gone through so many changes and different lifestyles in the past 5 years. I almost feel hypocritical when I look back on how I used to be. It was such a different time in my life, I almost feel like I have become someone completely different.

going through old livejournal entries made me realize how far I have come in the past 5 years. they made me realize how much I have been through. I mean, its not like I have experienced life changing events in a negative way. although there have been some cases of things that have, and will always impact me for the rest of my life. but more things that every teenager goes through. discovering who real friends are. trying to figure out the difference between "love" and "lust". so many experinces that until now, I didnt understand were so crucial.

17 feels like forever ago. a different time, a different place. filled with different people, different attitudes. different choices, different lifestyles. so much has changed, and I think that's why it doesn't feel like its only been 5 years.

so many people have come and gone in my life so far. I can remember so many people that made such an impact on my life as an adolescent. so many people that I don't hear from or talk to anymore. I find myself wondering where and what they are doing with their lives at this very moment. I hope for the best, hope that I may have put some type of impact on their lives just like they have put one on mine.

every now and again I find myself thinking about how much I can actually remember. and how much I would love to just forget about. I hate having such good long term memory sometimes. I remember dates, events, people, teachers, towns, cities. when I pass by people I havent seen in years I often wonder if they even remember me for who I was. then I start to think about if they knew me for who I am now, what would they think?

being so young was such a good time. no cares, no worries. everything that went on was just stupid teenage bullshit. it seems that I have stepped out of those shoes, and now I have real problems, and real worries. things that could possibly affect me for the rest of my life. not stupid trivial bullshit that teenagers are forced to worry about. things that are real. things that are terrifying.

reading through these old entries makes me so glad that I kept this online journal through all my times of growing. I kept them because I knew that one day I would be at this point, where everything felt so real. its nice to be able to go through this journal of adolescence and be able to realize that everything that happened, happened for a reason. all the experiences, friendships, trials, good times, and bad times all happened to teach me something about myself. about life.

so where does that leave me now? should I be scared of what is to come? should I just patiently wait and tell myself that things are going to work out for the best?

see, my problem is that I know how unforgiving life can be. I know that things can be stripped and taken at any moment. I am just like anyone else. there is nothing special that separates me from the rest of the herd. what about all the people that have gone through so much grief and tragedy? were they thinking the same thing as I am right now? or were they just going about their lives thinking that it wont happen to them?

in these times, its hard to live without a sense of false hope. we are constantly being told that we are safe, and we have nothing to worry about. when in reality, there are people whose only purpose in life is to create acts of terror and hysteria. some people just like to set the world on fire. unfortunately, there are people like me who just want to live their lives, and end up getting caught in the crossfire.

I am only a man. a mortal trying the best that I can. I will keep my head up, and hope for the best. its not good to think thoughts like these. so I will tuck them away in the back of my mind. and maybe someday I will be able to look back on this blog when I'm 30 or something. and hopefully I will be able to say that this was just another one of those times. a time where I was naive about the world, and knew little or nothing about real life. after all, I still have so many more experiences coming my way.

please go easy on me life, I am doing the best that I can.

Tucked away for a rainy day.

I want to show them that I am worthy.

I long to feel the weight off my shoulders.

at the end of the day, there is only one thing that I care about.

This is all I know.

This is all I love.

lately with all of my free time, I have decided that sitting and wasting away in front of my television is just not a good way to spend my time. So I have been spending more time skating, and spending time in the sun reading.

so far I have read this:

Which I have not read since I was like 15. Which is interesting because its about a young kid growing up. I guess I just started feeling old, and missed that feeling of new experiences, and the things that were learned while going through high school.

now that I am finished with that, I have started this:

so far its pretty good. An interesting look into the way that the American population functions and operates.

I have also fallen in love with Charlie Hong Kong. I enjoy eating there because not only is the food bomb, but its also organic, and healthy. So i can feel like I actually care about the environment by eating somewhere that is organic.

I would suggest it to anyone.

"Serving Asian street food with an emphasis on organic produce."

Also, I have stopped smoking cigarettes. day 2 with not a single smoke all day. go me. hopefully I can keep up with my promises to myself, and my lungs. Maybe I will just cut down drastically after a while of none at all. But after I start drinking, I know the craving is going to kick in. I guess I should just prove I can do it. or something..........

like sand through our fingers, they just slip away.

I feel that memories will always haunt us. be it that they are good memories, or bad memories. we cannot escape our past mistakes and decisions. I guess thats just fine, and just one of those things about life that we all will cross. but I feel we have to remember for the right reasons. not to look back and say "I wish I could go back to that time," but rather to look back and say "that was a different time, and I learned something from it."

The time is now, and not then. I know I had some good times, and I know I will have more good times. there is just no time of knowing when and where they will happen. I suppose that is what makes life beautiful, not knowing.

we can choose to remember, or we can choose to forget. in the end, its best to move on, and look back and say "I did my best."

I guess.

summer of 09

Im not sure if anyone will end up reading this. I might just keep this as somewhere of personal reflection, or just a good place to jot down a few thoughts about my ever expanding knowledge of the world and my surroundings.

lately it seems that with the economy in the shape that it is, and all the other problems surfacing around the world, it has become more and more difficult to just sit back and enjoy our surroundings. I long for the feeling of no, or at least little stresses in life. But i guess that that time of life has passed. 22 years old doesn't seem that old, but i feel it. I know that there is a lot for me to still learn and experience. All of these new thoughts and understandings are still new to me. quite frankly, they are very scary. seems that i can no longer make the same decesions that I could when i was 17 or 18.  now the choices and paths that I will be choosing will affect me for the long run.

School

Friends

Money

Health

Family

Love

All these things are becoming more and more apparently real to me. This blog, these thoughts, are all the start of the rest of my life. learning how to deal with my problems, rather then push them aside is something that I know I have to work on.

I guess I'm just scared.