the midpoint between two vices.

I feel as though I am going through something. I don't know what it is, but I know that it keeps me up every night. thoughts flooding my mind. a never ending supply of "what if's?" with a generous side of worry and stress. since when has this been the way my thoughts have been going? I have everything that I could want, and yet I feel so empty.

I hate that my life has become so routine and trivial. It doesn't feel like I am enjoying anything that I participate in. I wanted to be working, and going to school. To tell you the truth, I have never been more ready to just give up. throw it all away. I wish that I didn't lack so many of the qualities required to just pick up and go. start again fresh, with a new outlook and understanding.

But with all of these haunting thoughts clustering in my mind at the moment, there is one thing that resembles a light at the end of a dark hallway. something that gives me hope, and ambition. someone that helps me to realize the beauty in life. the way that I feel when I think about her. the way that she makes me feel when I look into her eyes, and she looks back into mine. she could melt me away to nothing more then a puddle by resting her head on my shoulder.

It is thoughts like those, that can get me through times like these.

feelings so strong, that not even the deepest and darkest of pain and discomfort can stand a chance. not even the strongest of insecurities and self doubt will hold up. I have never felt this way about another human being, and really, I don't want to feel this way about anyone else.

I want so many things to become a reality, but time just seems to be taking it slow.

is there an end in sight?

is there a resolution to this feeling?

questions that only time will be able to reveal their answers. maybe we were meant to be. maybe there is one person custom molded for each and every one of us. someone who can melt away all our darkest secrets, and reach into who we really should be. to the man that I know I should be.

I suppose it's still to early to really know, but the thought is one that is in the back of my mind. such a simple question, positive and warm......

maybe that search is over?

the calm before the storm....

Driving home with my window down at night I get a familiar smell. the smell of another season on the horizon. Fall has always been my favorite season. the smell of it, the sights, the trees shedding their leaves. It is an exciting time to be alive. I know that there is a lot to look forward to, and a lot to be afraid of.

I feel like I have led a care free life so far. Which leads me to think when will real tragedy strike me? what will it come as? will it be the death of a family member? will it be the death of a close friend? will it be something horrible that happens to me?

It's like a fault line, the pressure building up for so many years. then one day, it snaps, releasing a furious path of destruction and death. Like a storm on the horizon that you know can only spell out certain doom.

It seems all to familiar to feel this way. when we were younger, life seemed so planned out and simple. I was going to someday be a father, a husband, a provider. Now it seems that even that is not certain. there is so much chaos in this life, there is just not a set path to say "yeah that is not going to happen to me".

I feel like there are so many people that I have to please. There are so many things that I have to live up to. I have to act my age, be a good man, be a role model, live life to it's fullest, please everyone around me, be a good friend, a lover, someone of trust, a good employee, and a human being. there just is not enough room for me to be me.

It's strange seeing people just out of high school, or people still in high school. there is so much that is still to be experienced for them, yet they act like it is all so easy. like its just planned out what they will do, and where they will go. I never saw myself at this point. 4 years at a community college just was not what I planned on.

But I suppose that this is just my life path. every choice that I have made was planned out as my path in life. there is nothing I could do to detour myself from the decisions and things that I have chosen so far in my life. If I would have chosen the other route, I would be in a different place at the moment. not here, not with the people I am with. Maybe I would have a different job, maybe I would have traveled more.

I have entered that time where I have finally realized that I am not getting any younger. I am only 22, but it feels like my youth has been wasted. I don't want it to feel this way. I want to look back on times like these when I'm 30 and 40 and 50 and be able to say that I was just a stupid kid. Making decisions not because it was the logical thing to do, or because it was the right thing to do, but because it was a good life experience.

Now I in no way plan on these choices to be stupid careless things. I have come to the realization that I will never be that person. I have my far share of dumb decisions, but for the most part, I am a careful person. I dont steal, I dont cheat, I try not to lie, I'm just trying to score as many life points as I can. So when that day comes around where I am going to be judged, I can have as clean as a slate as possible.

I have fought things like self conciousness and insecurity my whole life. the things that were said to me, reflect the way that I live my life now I suppose. I dont want it to be like that. I want to be who I am, because this is who I am. I dont want to pass judgement along, then have someone tell me that it was because I was teased or tormented in my days of being a child.

I am living in now, not then. and there is nothing that is going to be able to change that. nothing that I can do to erase the things that I have done or said. nothing to take back the lives I have hurt or impacted. the people I have interacted with. I cant hold myself accountable for the stupid decisions that I made when I was just a dumb kid.

I feel like I have learned a lot the past few years. I feel like I have more to offer because of that. I hope to someday pass down morals and life lessons to my children, to my grand children. I guess its all just things that are important to think about.

I am in now, not then, not when. I have to continue to live my life each day at a time.

through the rough days, to the calm seas. there is nothing I can do to speed it up, or slow it down.

I'll take it one day at a time....