ready, set, let go.

Tonight, is the first night that I think I have been doing too much thinking. I have spent so much time trying to block it out of my mind, that I actually forgot a lot of things. Scent, the feel of her skin, the look of her eyes. So many things that used to make me feel so secure and safe. These thoughts I know are not good for me, but it's hard to forget some things....

There is so much that I thought forgetting would make easier, but now that I sit back and focus, it just makes it that much harder. All that I see is a blank face, all I feel is rough skin that was once soft and smooth.....

All of these thoughts just make me sit back and wonder if all that I could've done, would have been worth it in the end. Because when I look back on it now, there was so much that I should've done. But now I am just left with more regrets and "what if's?".....

So now I am left once again with an empty bed, and another broken heart. I am left with a pocket full of hate for myself, and another hole in my heart. No matter how hard I try, I cannot numb this feeling, and I don't think that I will ever be able to.....

I try to talk to people, try to fill that void with another, try to replace these thoughts with new feelings, but nothing seems to be able to change my mind. I know that it is too late now, and I think that is what hurts so bad. Knowing that we will never be able to go back to what we were. Knowing that no matter what I cannot prove that I can be all those things that I promised.....

So where do I go from here? How do I stop this and push on? That is something that I just don't think I will be able to find the answer to.....

Because in the end, I had something great and I let it slip through my fingers like sand.....

Because in the end, I am only human.....

Because in the end, I am the one who has to live with my mistakes and regrets.....

Anyone who says that they live life with no regrets, can come talk to me. Regrets haunt me every single morning when I open my eyes and realize that it is today, and not two years ago...

With a heart so heavy, it makes every day as difficult as the next.

With pockets full of so many regrets, I am damaged goods.

With a mind so twisted with self hatred, it makes loving anyone else impossible.

Just another time that I tell myself that this is a learning experience, when in reality I look at this as another time I let not only myself down, but another as well. Maybe, hopefully, one day soon I can learn to forget. But I am so full of angst because of this, that lying to myself will just not mend the growing void in my heart....

Fuck. Here we go again.

Searching for what will fill the void.

haha. It is strange how I can not post for 6 months on here, then come back with pretty much the same post in mind.....

I feel like I have entered a time machine, and I am currently in January. The worst part about it, is it's pretty much 6 months wasted trying to force something that was not supposed to be. But what am I going to do about it? I could keep my regrets in the front of my mind and beat myself up about them, or I could learn and try to keep them in the back of my mind. All this aggression I have been storing up is ready to boil over. I can feel it getting close to the edge, I just am not sure how to let it all out.....

I am hoping to find that answer before the semester starts. I can't go into UCSC with this much weight on my shoulders. I thought that finding out I passed my classes would solve this feeling, but I think that as much as I don't want to admit it, it is more than just that.......

Now it seems like every time I try to get close to someone, I end up driving myself away. Or making up some kind of excuse as to why I don't like her, or why she isn't right for me. I hate these inborn mechanisms that my brain creates to protect myself against the fear of rejection, or inadequacy. I never give myself the chance.........

"life is a test, and I get bad marks".

So where is this all leading? who knows. I will be 24 in a month and nine days. I have no care of any kind of celebration. At this point, it is just another year gone by. Another 365 days spent scared shitless that the rest of my life, is becoming more and more apparent. "Thinking about the future" is starting to become some real shit........

I think that the fact that my friends are leaving, mixed with everything else, is the reason that I have been so lost. I used to feel like I had a solid group, but now I feel like that bond has deteriorated. I know that we will all be close for the rest of our lives because of that bond, but it just sucks longing for the solid friends I once had.......

Sometimes the weight of it all is just too much to bear......

I am only a man, a mere mortal. A defective, decomposing organism trying to make sense of this chaotic thing we call "human existence".......

So, I hope I have something more positive whenever it is I stumble back onto here. cross your fingers for me.....

another day late, and one year older.

It has been an entire year since I have looked at this. I know no one else has, but thats ok. I mainly made this blog so I could do exactly what I did right now. forget about it, and come back a year later and read where I was at and who I was with at the time. it is very emotionally draining reading what I wrote so long ago.

it is now january 12th 2011. my last post was december 16th 2009. thinking about the changes which have occurred in the year since I last posted just blows me away. Living situations have changed, loving situations have changed, mistakes were made, friends were made, friends were lost, medical emergencies have happened. it is just so goddamn overwhelming thinking about it. It's just its one of those scary facts about life that you realize as you grow older.

I think the main reason I created this blog was because I don't have a journal, nor do I feel like spending the time writing in a small booklet of paper with a pen. why not utilize the infinite space of the internet? reading over my old livejournal is always something else. I just cant believe that I had cataloged so much of my life in such a short amount of time. just like this blog I look back on mistakes, experiences, changes, and challenges that I faced just like every other teenager faces.

So here I am a year later, with a pocket full of mistakes and regrets (which I try not to hold on to, but sometimes you just makes those mistakes that are too great to move past) and all I have to show for it is a broken heart, and more self hatred. I look at this year and I hope that forgiveness is in order, and I can move past so many things that I have been clinging onto. I just want so bad to prove that I can be what I promised to be nearly 2 years ago. I want to take back all the mistakes I made by not expressing myself to the one person that I should have been expressing to. I want to prove that sometimes, happily ever after is not just a work of fiction or some cheesy bullshit that was written into children's books.

Time will heal all wounds they say, but that isn't what I need right now. I know what I need, and its the one thing that my mistakes have prevented me from having, and it is a goddamn shame. so I will sit patiently and wait until the answers come to me in whatever form it is that they come in. I just hope that they don't take their time.

So maybe I will see you in another year, or maybe I will update sooner than that. I guess only time will tell.....