June 28th, 2011.

Today is June 1st, 2013 and the last time I logged in or looked at this blog was two years ago. The strange thing is that I was in the same situation I was then as I now am. So many new experiences and life changing events that it seems almost impossible to recount them all. However, I have the same feeling of a broken heart and what I called "a pocket full of regrets". I don't know why I am even posting this because it is for my eyes only and I probably won't look at this for another few years if it even exists by then. Maybe I keep it around just to remind myself about how little can change over such a long period of time, despite it feeling like an eternity. Perhaps it is good to keep it around to let myself know that what once healed my heart ended up fracturing it once more, and I need to let her go just as I did in the past. These situations, though different, end up being strangely familiar in the end as I both have the feeling that I let myself down when looking back. I suppose that it all can be fabricated from my self hatred and lust for a reason to blame myself, but I don't think that I will ever be able to confidently admit that.

So, I'll keep this around as a time capsule. Waiting until the next time I need to read my words I felt were so clever at one point in my life, only to read them at a later period thinking that they aren't what I felt them to be. Maybe this time I will have said something striking that really made sense in the grand scheme of my life. Something that will allow me to breath fresh air into my lungs, and move on knowing that this happened once before and look, I'm still alive.

Only time will tell.......

ready, set, let go.

Tonight, is the first night that I think I have been doing too much thinking. I have spent so much time trying to block it out of my mind, that I actually forgot a lot of things. Scent, the feel of her skin, the look of her eyes. So many things that used to make me feel so secure and safe. These thoughts I know are not good for me, but it's hard to forget some things....

There is so much that I thought forgetting would make easier, but now that I sit back and focus, it just makes it that much harder. All that I see is a blank face, all I feel is rough skin that was once soft and smooth.....

All of these thoughts just make me sit back and wonder if all that I could've done, would have been worth it in the end. Because when I look back on it now, there was so much that I should've done. But now I am just left with more regrets and "what if's?".....

So now I am left once again with an empty bed, and another broken heart. I am left with a pocket full of hate for myself, and another hole in my heart. No matter how hard I try, I cannot numb this feeling, and I don't think that I will ever be able to.....

I try to talk to people, try to fill that void with another, try to replace these thoughts with new feelings, but nothing seems to be able to change my mind. I know that it is too late now, and I think that is what hurts so bad. Knowing that we will never be able to go back to what we were. Knowing that no matter what I cannot prove that I can be all those things that I promised.....

So where do I go from here? How do I stop this and push on? That is something that I just don't think I will be able to find the answer to.....

Because in the end, I had something great and I let it slip through my fingers like sand.....

Because in the end, I am only human.....

Because in the end, I am the one who has to live with my mistakes and regrets.....

Anyone who says that they live life with no regrets, can come talk to me. Regrets haunt me every single morning when I open my eyes and realize that it is today, and not two years ago...

With a heart so heavy, it makes every day as difficult as the next.

With pockets full of so many regrets, I am damaged goods.

With a mind so twisted with self hatred, it makes loving anyone else impossible.

Just another time that I tell myself that this is a learning experience, when in reality I look at this as another time I let not only myself down, but another as well. Maybe, hopefully, one day soon I can learn to forget. But I am so full of angst because of this, that lying to myself will just not mend the growing void in my heart....

Fuck. Here we go again.

Searching for what will fill the void.

haha. It is strange how I can not post for 6 months on here, then come back with pretty much the same post in mind.....

I feel like I have entered a time machine, and I am currently in January. The worst part about it, is it's pretty much 6 months wasted trying to force something that was not supposed to be. But what am I going to do about it? I could keep my regrets in the front of my mind and beat myself up about them, or I could learn and try to keep them in the back of my mind. All this aggression I have been storing up is ready to boil over. I can feel it getting close to the edge, I just am not sure how to let it all out.....

I am hoping to find that answer before the semester starts. I can't go into UCSC with this much weight on my shoulders. I thought that finding out I passed my classes would solve this feeling, but I think that as much as I don't want to admit it, it is more than just that.......

Now it seems like every time I try to get close to someone, I end up driving myself away. Or making up some kind of excuse as to why I don't like her, or why she isn't right for me. I hate these inborn mechanisms that my brain creates to protect myself against the fear of rejection, or inadequacy. I never give myself the chance.........

"life is a test, and I get bad marks".

So where is this all leading? who knows. I will be 24 in a month and nine days. I have no care of any kind of celebration. At this point, it is just another year gone by. Another 365 days spent scared shitless that the rest of my life, is becoming more and more apparent. "Thinking about the future" is starting to become some real shit........

I think that the fact that my friends are leaving, mixed with everything else, is the reason that I have been so lost. I used to feel like I had a solid group, but now I feel like that bond has deteriorated. I know that we will all be close for the rest of our lives because of that bond, but it just sucks longing for the solid friends I once had.......

Sometimes the weight of it all is just too much to bear......

I am only a man, a mere mortal. A defective, decomposing organism trying to make sense of this chaotic thing we call "human existence".......

So, I hope I have something more positive whenever it is I stumble back onto here. cross your fingers for me.....

another day late, and one year older.

It has been an entire year since I have looked at this. I know no one else has, but thats ok. I mainly made this blog so I could do exactly what I did right now. forget about it, and come back a year later and read where I was at and who I was with at the time. it is very emotionally draining reading what I wrote so long ago.

it is now january 12th 2011. my last post was december 16th 2009. thinking about the changes which have occurred in the year since I last posted just blows me away. Living situations have changed, loving situations have changed, mistakes were made, friends were made, friends were lost, medical emergencies have happened. it is just so goddamn overwhelming thinking about it. It's just its one of those scary facts about life that you realize as you grow older.

I think the main reason I created this blog was because I don't have a journal, nor do I feel like spending the time writing in a small booklet of paper with a pen. why not utilize the infinite space of the internet? reading over my old livejournal is always something else. I just cant believe that I had cataloged so much of my life in such a short amount of time. just like this blog I look back on mistakes, experiences, changes, and challenges that I faced just like every other teenager faces.

So here I am a year later, with a pocket full of mistakes and regrets (which I try not to hold on to, but sometimes you just makes those mistakes that are too great to move past) and all I have to show for it is a broken heart, and more self hatred. I look at this year and I hope that forgiveness is in order, and I can move past so many things that I have been clinging onto. I just want so bad to prove that I can be what I promised to be nearly 2 years ago. I want to take back all the mistakes I made by not expressing myself to the one person that I should have been expressing to. I want to prove that sometimes, happily ever after is not just a work of fiction or some cheesy bullshit that was written into children's books.

Time will heal all wounds they say, but that isn't what I need right now. I know what I need, and its the one thing that my mistakes have prevented me from having, and it is a goddamn shame. so I will sit patiently and wait until the answers come to me in whatever form it is that they come in. I just hope that they don't take their time.

So maybe I will see you in another year, or maybe I will update sooner than that. I guess only time will tell.....

a tourist among my family and friends.

The days have been dark and cloudy. the sun stays hidden behind mostly grey skies. the air is cool and refreshing. these days always bring me back to being a kid. so excited about every day. there were little or no cares. christmas was always a time to look forward to. I think these days are the thing that make me most depressed about being forced into growing up so early.

So much is no expected of me. from my peers, from my parents, everyone around me is pushing me into being something I am just not ready to be yet. Christmas is just another reminder about how quickly things have changed. there is just so much to have to remember, and so much I am being held back from doing.

Work prevents me from taking as much vacation as I want. But I suppose that is my fault mostly. I could live at my parents house for free. But I feel like at 22 I am expected to be already on my own. Like I should be learning life lessons or some shit. All I really feel is a harsh reality about life. the stresses of renting a house, needing to be on time with all your payments, having to deal with people that are sometimes not easy to deal with. All these things place me in a weird mood about how life is going to be for hopefully 60+ more years.

I am comfortable at the home I live in right now, but I grow worrysome about this great living situation ending fairly soon. Be it because of my poor grades, or the crazy landlords pulling some shit on us. Then there is the ever stressful job. Filled with so much work, and little time to do much of anything. I miss seeing my parents. I miss seeing my sister. I will soon be an uncle, and I am afraid of not being in my niece or nephews life enough.

The end of 2009 will mark my 22nd year in existence. This will be my 22nd Christmas. 2010 marks the beginning of my 23rd year. another year full of let downs and mishaps. But maybe, there is something bright in the horizon. Because one day, I know that things will come together.

Or at least thats what I keep telling myself.....

this culture's a vulture.

I am attempting to accomplish this homework assignment where I have to discuss about the difference between what two philosophers thought is real, and what is ultimately real. At the same time I am listening to this album, one that has so many memories placed with it. The album is Vheissu by Thrice. Since the first time I listened to this album, I have listened to it more times than I can count. I have built up so many memories surrounded by this album in the last year or so.

As I listen to it, I get these vivid and distinct memories of the beginning of 2009 and the end of 2008. The place I was living, the experiences I was experiencing, the person whom I was living with, the friends I had. Skating while the sun was setting early across the cold February sky. Drinking 40s on the picnic table outside our house while we had this album blaring inside. Finding someone new, who has helped me escape from the empty hole that once filled my chest. The sorrow is gone, and all I am left with is memories.

Now as I listen to it from another point in my life, having these flashbacks, I start to miss times like those. Back when I was on unemployment, and had all the free time to dedicate to skating, or school, or someone special. Now it seems like I don’t even have the time to appreciate what I have in front of me. I often take advantage of the things that are placed in front of me. Is this what it is like for everyone? Or am I just being a spoiled brat about this?

When I think about things like what is ultimately real, I think about things like these memories that I have. And how it is that I can put music on, and be transformed back 8 or 9 months ago to a place so different. A time that seemed so much less complicated. 8 or 9 months later I have got a different aspect on what is real. I look around me at all the material out there. Everything is changing at any point in the day. We are aging, and becoming closer and closer to the point in which we must let go and say “goodbye.”

Shit.

I can’t believe another year is passing me by. Another time that I am going to look back on. At the end of 2008 I was looking back on the end of 2007 and saying the same exact thing. Placing myself in my shoes the year prior. Looking at what I was doing, who I was doing it with. What relationships were ending, while others were forming. It feels even stranger when I begin to look back on 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 4 years ago. What the fuck happened? Does getting older just mean that more and more I will be looking back when I should be looking forward?

I don’t look back and miss these times per se. I simply reflect on these times are a different moment in my life. Another time that so much was going on. Bonds have been formed and broken, but with those that were lost new ones were formed. My heart has been placed into the hands of another. The trust that has been formed is one that is ever lasting. I look back on past relationships and see them as mere casualties of life. Wasted times. It makes letting go, moving on, forgetting and forgiving much easier. These people have to unfortunately be erased forever. If I let them back in, then the memories of then and there will be back once again.

I now realize that there is no point on holding on to memories from the past. Pictures from times prior to what I have now. The bonds that were formed are broken, and shouldn’t ever be repaired. I know that they are all out there somewhere, living their lives each day just as I am. Possibly even thinking the same things that I am thinking.

With every year that passes, more and more memories are forgotten. Wiped out of my brain, thrown into the trashcan never to be found again. I wish it could be like this computer that I am using right now. I want to be able to select what I want, and drag it into the trashcan so I can forget about it forever. There is no point of holding on to fading memories. Moving on means that we have to forget all together, because I am committed to whom I have now. I can’t start to feel sorry, or any sort of emotion for anyone in my past. I don’t want to hear about them, think about them, feel them. They are choosing to make the decisions that they are now making. There is nothing I can do about that, so there is no point in feeling sorrow, or even pity for them.

I have moved on to something better.

It feels better knowing that the future gives me a blank slate. The past has already happened, the decisions have already been made. Regrets get you nowhere in life, so I try to stay away from thinking about them. I want to feel like everything I could call a “regret” was a learning experience.

As the album ends, my mind is clear. My heart is still heavy, but not with anger or rage. The feeling I have for this other is so strong, it almost knocks me off my feet. The thought of the future being unclear is what gets me up every morning. Because with every unclear thought, there is something that I know. Something that is certain. I know where I want to lay my head every night, who I want to lay it next to.

I can’t help what my gut tells me. My heart knows what it wants, it just might take a while for the answer to arrive.

I think about what my mom told me growing up, something that makes so much more sense now being older. “Patience is a virtue”.

this is the last night in my body.

I smiled when I looked down and saw what I saw in that drawer. It is just another sign that things are progressing into a positive direction. My home has become our home in a sense. I would rather that it is only OUR home, but I know that is a much bigger step. one that will take plenty of time to reveal itself. There is a time and a place, and that time is just not now. that place is just not here. Sometimes I wish I could force things into happening, and other times I want things to slow themselves before the answer becomes clear.

we are both so young, it is just hard to say without giving it plenty more time. The situation is just so right, the feelings are just all there, our pasts are just so similar. It seems corny to say, but it feels just like a story out of a book. Maybe thats why I waited so long to make the moves. I was scared that this tale wouldn't end up the way that I want it to. That I would once again have to search for someone.

I feel like that search is over, and thats real.

Right now, everything is perfect. she makes me feel like I just met her. she makes me feel like there is no other woman that could possibly compare to her. despite even the dumbest of times on my part, I couldn't hold a grudge with her. when her eyes meet mine, my heart hits the floor every time. Her smooth skin is more soothing then even the strongest of drugs. Her soft lips meeting mine is enough to silence everything else around us.

So I think that for right now, I will keep certain thoughts in the back of my mind. Thoughts that could one day be a reality. all these thoughts will show themselves in time, and there is no point in rushing them. My heart is anchored to her, and it has no plans of pulling itself in. I am in this because I love this girl. I am in this because I see promise in our relationship. Without her, I am weak. but with her, not even the harshest of opponents stand in our way.