I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.

5 years seems like it has past by far too fast. to a lot of people it might not seem like that long, but it feels like its been 10 years. maybe even more. it seems like I have gone through so many changes and different lifestyles in the past 5 years. I almost feel hypocritical when I look back on how I used to be. It was such a different time in my life, I almost feel like I have become someone completely different.

going through old livejournal entries made me realize how far I have come in the past 5 years. they made me realize how much I have been through. I mean, its not like I have experienced life changing events in a negative way. although there have been some cases of things that have, and will always impact me for the rest of my life. but more things that every teenager goes through. discovering who real friends are. trying to figure out the difference between "love" and "lust". so many experinces that until now, I didnt understand were so crucial.

17 feels like forever ago. a different time, a different place. filled with different people, different attitudes. different choices, different lifestyles. so much has changed, and I think that's why it doesn't feel like its only been 5 years.

so many people have come and gone in my life so far. I can remember so many people that made such an impact on my life as an adolescent. so many people that I don't hear from or talk to anymore. I find myself wondering where and what they are doing with their lives at this very moment. I hope for the best, hope that I may have put some type of impact on their lives just like they have put one on mine.

every now and again I find myself thinking about how much I can actually remember. and how much I would love to just forget about. I hate having such good long term memory sometimes. I remember dates, events, people, teachers, towns, cities. when I pass by people I havent seen in years I often wonder if they even remember me for who I was. then I start to think about if they knew me for who I am now, what would they think?

being so young was such a good time. no cares, no worries. everything that went on was just stupid teenage bullshit. it seems that I have stepped out of those shoes, and now I have real problems, and real worries. things that could possibly affect me for the rest of my life. not stupid trivial bullshit that teenagers are forced to worry about. things that are real. things that are terrifying.

reading through these old entries makes me so glad that I kept this online journal through all my times of growing. I kept them because I knew that one day I would be at this point, where everything felt so real. its nice to be able to go through this journal of adolescence and be able to realize that everything that happened, happened for a reason. all the experiences, friendships, trials, good times, and bad times all happened to teach me something about myself. about life.

so where does that leave me now? should I be scared of what is to come? should I just patiently wait and tell myself that things are going to work out for the best?

see, my problem is that I know how unforgiving life can be. I know that things can be stripped and taken at any moment. I am just like anyone else. there is nothing special that separates me from the rest of the herd. what about all the people that have gone through so much grief and tragedy? were they thinking the same thing as I am right now? or were they just going about their lives thinking that it wont happen to them?

in these times, its hard to live without a sense of false hope. we are constantly being told that we are safe, and we have nothing to worry about. when in reality, there are people whose only purpose in life is to create acts of terror and hysteria. some people just like to set the world on fire. unfortunately, there are people like me who just want to live their lives, and end up getting caught in the crossfire.

I am only a man. a mortal trying the best that I can. I will keep my head up, and hope for the best. its not good to think thoughts like these. so I will tuck them away in the back of my mind. and maybe someday I will be able to look back on this blog when I'm 30 or something. and hopefully I will be able to say that this was just another one of those times. a time where I was naive about the world, and knew little or nothing about real life. after all, I still have so many more experiences coming my way.

please go easy on me life, I am doing the best that I can.