I am attempting to accomplish this homework assignment where I have to discuss about the difference between what two philosophers thought is real, and what is ultimately real. At the same time I am listening to this album, one that has so many memories placed with it. The album is Vheissu by Thrice. Since the first time I listened to this album, I have listened to it more times than I can count. I have built up so many memories surrounded by this album in the last year or so.
As I listen to it, I get these vivid and distinct memories of the beginning of 2009 and the end of 2008. The place I was living, the experiences I was experiencing, the person whom I was living with, the friends I had. Skating while the sun was setting early across the cold February sky. Drinking 40s on the picnic table outside our house while we had this album blaring inside. Finding someone new, who has helped me escape from the empty hole that once filled my chest. The sorrow is gone, and all I am left with is memories.
Now as I listen to it from another point in my life, having these flashbacks, I start to miss times like those. Back when I was on unemployment, and had all the free time to dedicate to skating, or school, or someone special. Now it seems like I don’t even have the time to appreciate what I have in front of me. I often take advantage of the things that are placed in front of me. Is this what it is like for everyone? Or am I just being a spoiled brat about this?
When I think about things like what is ultimately real, I think about things like these memories that I have. And how it is that I can put music on, and be transformed back 8 or 9 months ago to a place so different. A time that seemed so much less complicated. 8 or 9 months later I have got a different aspect on what is real. I look around me at all the material out there. Everything is changing at any point in the day. We are aging, and becoming closer and closer to the point in which we must let go and say “goodbye.”
Shit.
I can’t believe another year is passing me by. Another time that I am going to look back on. At the end of 2008 I was looking back on the end of 2007 and saying the same exact thing. Placing myself in my shoes the year prior. Looking at what I was doing, who I was doing it with. What relationships were ending, while others were forming. It feels even stranger when I begin to look back on 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 4 years ago. What the fuck happened? Does getting older just mean that more and more I will be looking back when I should be looking forward?
I don’t look back and miss these times per se. I simply reflect on these times are a different moment in my life. Another time that so much was going on. Bonds have been formed and broken, but with those that were lost new ones were formed. My heart has been placed into the hands of another. The trust that has been formed is one that is ever lasting. I look back on past relationships and see them as mere casualties of life. Wasted times. It makes letting go, moving on, forgetting and forgiving much easier. These people have to unfortunately be erased forever. If I let them back in, then the memories of then and there will be back once again.
I now realize that there is no point on holding on to memories from the past. Pictures from times prior to what I have now. The bonds that were formed are broken, and shouldn’t ever be repaired. I know that they are all out there somewhere, living their lives each day just as I am. Possibly even thinking the same things that I am thinking.
With every year that passes, more and more memories are forgotten. Wiped out of my brain, thrown into the trashcan never to be found again. I wish it could be like this computer that I am using right now. I want to be able to select what I want, and drag it into the trashcan so I can forget about it forever. There is no point of holding on to fading memories. Moving on means that we have to forget all together, because I am committed to whom I have now. I can’t start to feel sorry, or any sort of emotion for anyone in my past. I don’t want to hear about them, think about them, feel them. They are choosing to make the decisions that they are now making. There is nothing I can do about that, so there is no point in feeling sorrow, or even pity for them.
I have moved on to something better.
It feels better knowing that the future gives me a blank slate. The past has already happened, the decisions have already been made. Regrets get you nowhere in life, so I try to stay away from thinking about them. I want to feel like everything I could call a “regret” was a learning experience.
As the album ends, my mind is clear. My heart is still heavy, but not with anger or rage. The feeling I have for this other is so strong, it almost knocks me off my feet. The thought of the future being unclear is what gets me up every morning. Because with every unclear thought, there is something that I know. Something that is certain. I know where I want to lay my head every night, who I want to lay it next to.
I can’t help what my gut tells me. My heart knows what it wants, it just might take a while for the answer to arrive.
I think about what my mom told me growing up, something that makes so much more sense now being older. “Patience is a virtue”.
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