Searching for what will fill the void.

haha. It is strange how I can not post for 6 months on here, then come back with pretty much the same post in mind.....

I feel like I have entered a time machine, and I am currently in January. The worst part about it, is it's pretty much 6 months wasted trying to force something that was not supposed to be. But what am I going to do about it? I could keep my regrets in the front of my mind and beat myself up about them, or I could learn and try to keep them in the back of my mind. All this aggression I have been storing up is ready to boil over. I can feel it getting close to the edge, I just am not sure how to let it all out.....

I am hoping to find that answer before the semester starts. I can't go into UCSC with this much weight on my shoulders. I thought that finding out I passed my classes would solve this feeling, but I think that as much as I don't want to admit it, it is more than just that.......

Now it seems like every time I try to get close to someone, I end up driving myself away. Or making up some kind of excuse as to why I don't like her, or why she isn't right for me. I hate these inborn mechanisms that my brain creates to protect myself against the fear of rejection, or inadequacy. I never give myself the chance.........

"life is a test, and I get bad marks".

So where is this all leading? who knows. I will be 24 in a month and nine days. I have no care of any kind of celebration. At this point, it is just another year gone by. Another 365 days spent scared shitless that the rest of my life, is becoming more and more apparent. "Thinking about the future" is starting to become some real shit........

I think that the fact that my friends are leaving, mixed with everything else, is the reason that I have been so lost. I used to feel like I had a solid group, but now I feel like that bond has deteriorated. I know that we will all be close for the rest of our lives because of that bond, but it just sucks longing for the solid friends I once had.......

Sometimes the weight of it all is just too much to bear......

I am only a man, a mere mortal. A defective, decomposing organism trying to make sense of this chaotic thing we call "human existence".......

So, I hope I have something more positive whenever it is I stumble back onto here. cross your fingers for me.....